Gyles, King of Kelburn and his 18 noble companions took an oath in 2016 not to give in to the company of goals or women. They would devote themselves to a season of study and fasting.
[Forester hath agreed somewhat more hesitantly than the others for the physician did confide in him a dream of treble glory on this day in Merrymar. ]
The King declares that no ball should come within a chain of the box and to ensure such , he positions his Captain at Arms, Kyrk at the apex.
The Sad Men of Merrymar number but 11 and are without reinforcements .
And so it begins…eagerly watched by the Princess Anne of Kilbirnie and her ladies including Jaquenetta ( a country wench) who have encamped just outside the battle’s borders.
Within 2 minutes of the blowing of the horn Forester has dashed from the edge of the box and poked his way to his first betrayal of abstinence.
Within 10 minutes , Owyn Goal ( a local Merrymar constable ) has scored off his sconce and become the Golden Boot for 2016. 2-0
When Sir Alastair the curate, is unceremoniously fowled by a local winged weta , King Gyles [ who has become both Judge and Lord over all ] , points to a spot on the turf in a charming falsetto:
“ What a lovely spot ! Do what thoust can Captain Kyrk !“ [ for I know thou abstinence has weakened thee]
Surprising all his noble companions [ who lay in hiding] Kyrk placed a modestly-paced ball along the ground into the netting via the Gaolkeepers fingers. 3-0
As the clamour is rejoined , Zel Adriano de Armado in midstfield , [a Serbian visiting the court ], aghast at his companion’s failing vows , tells the King of an earlier oath-bursting tryst between Captain Kyrk and Jaquenetta.
Moments later the Serb is felled by a blow that shakes the very foundations of his being and results in a cupful of claret .
[It appears Captain Kyrk enjoys loyalty within the ranks of the enemy as well as on the borders .]
Hurrying hisself along, the Portly Physician escorts the haemorrhaging but Unstoppable Zel from the battlefield to his chambers and restores his unique visage [with the aid of a needle and some stray cat’s gut.]
Whilst the embroidery is done they hear a roar from afar ..it is 4-0 …again speaketh the Forester’s mighty sword …then a missed 4 ½ th as the Forester [ who hath given up all pretence of self-control] crashes a header off the crossbar.
The Forester is now flagrantly pleasuring hisself with a narrow angled score in a crowded box 5-0 , swiftly followed by an ejaculation through the melee [our foe rendered static by fear ] . The Merrymars are rendered abject and reeling at 6-0.
There is but one humiliation left.
Costard of Churton , [whose cantering pace and sensitivity is reknowned for its lack of conviction ], is put through at the half and none follow him.
Not even the turncoat Porche Marcade who has been dressing in other men’s clothing .
Costard has his one-on-one way with the keeper of the gaol and discards him as if a sticky rag thrown to the soiled earth. 7-0.
And thereafter truly at the Smelly Inn didst the 19 Noble Companions celebrate .
And finally didst the King of Kelburn [ after briefly discussing the cession of Aquitane] proclaim that the only study worthy of man is that of love .