Season 37
Played 18
Won 17
Lost 1
Goals for 143
Goals against 12
Football, eh. Bloody hell. Who could have predicted the madcap end to the 2017 season ? Who could have predicted that Jackal would miss three penalties in the final match ? That Mingus would save three penalties ? That Marky Mark would win the league for the Bombers with the last touch of the season, rising like a lamprey at the far post to send a Controller rabona cross bullet-like into the net.
Now that the Nairnville mud has been sluiced down the shower drain, we can reflect on the season that some are calling the Bombers’ finest since ’83, or perhaps ’96. In this review we breakdown the performance of each Bomber based on a clear-eyed assessment from our panel of seasoned observers.
The tactical majesty
Laughter rolled across Ben Burn Park before the opening game when The Assistant Gardener unveiled his new trapezoid formation. The phrase ‘lad’s, we’re going with two at the back’ seemed at first to be the clearest sign yet that the Bombers’ own Dr Emmett Brown had finally lost it. But when he followed up with ‘and those two are JB and Fish’, the laughter stopped. Out of pity the team lined up in an unsettling 2-8-1 formation, with Marky Mark as the spearhead. On the face of it, it looked like the goals would have to come from midfield. How wrong we were.
Bomber by Bomber
Assistant Gardener
Doubts under the slow, high ball still persisted this season, but the gamine gloveman stepped up for one of his finest seasons in the shirt of shame. In a masterstroke, Stent Boy had painted a likeness of Milton Friedman and other members of the fresh water school on every match ball, enabling the crumbling stick figure to make prodigious 70 metre punts to the head of Marky Mark, and giving the aged custodian an unlikely 17 assists. Still a few lapses in his game, spurring Hilda to comment “in the business report he can, but N’Golo Kante”.
8/10
Fish Boy
Natural immobility proved a massive advantage in the new formation. It was Pachy-lite, but it was damned effective. Instructed to ‘don’t just do something, stand there’, Fish broke up wave upon wave of attacks. A startling renaissance. Drank lite beer. Muttered in Greek.
Tackles: 18 per game
Pass accuracy: 91%
Take-ons: N/A
9/10
JB
Needed to lift his game. Didn’t. Fortunate to have at least four midfielders in front of him. Six own goals were a fair reflection. Generally reviled but produced his one startling moment of the season, as he does every season, that almost made it OK.
Tackles: N/A
Pass accuracy: N/A
Take-ons: N/A
4/10
Nintendo
Took to the midfield like a druid to human sacrifice, ripping the heart out of opposing playmakers, snapping at their heels like the rabid, coked-up demon he was in the ‘90s. Played the last 6 matches in a neck brace, with no apparent loss of spite or bite. Big balls, mean eyes.
Tackles: 8 per game
Pass accuracy: 91%
Take-ons: N/A
8/10
‘Michael’
Looked lost at first and continually passed to Son of God. By June the enormity of this error dawned on him and he began to pick his passes with aplomb. Pleasingly showed signs of filling out and slowing down, more in keeping with the team template. Headed the ball like a man with complete disdain for neurology.
Tackles: 8 per game
Pass accuracy: 91%
Take-ons: 4.1 per game
9/10
Doctor
Oh dear. What happened ? Dramatic inverse correlation between effort and effect. Largely carried by team mates. Drew further mutters when he resuscitated Tiberius after he swallowed his tongue after a clash with Mingus. Will probably be best remembered for scoring with a header from halfway at Hutt Park, sealing three points in a Southerly. Looks more and more like a homeless person, but plays with brio.
Tackles: 98 per game
Pass accuracy: 1%
Take-ons: N/A
6/10
Mingus
Sadly broke his femur in the warm up to the first game, stupidly standing quietly in front of and with his back to a typically unhinged and enraged Hansie. Manfully played on. Utterly dominated his side of the field. Effortless grace and acute football intelligence on display. After a grueling match against Stokes Valley was heard to say ‘that was easy, I’ve got a Dutch wife’.
Tackles: 18 per game
Pass accuracy: 100%
Take-ons: 17.4 per game
9/10
Hansie
“Get your late tackles in early” sums up this bristling mangry deviant. Loved by his team mates for his MMA skillset and utter lack of remorse. Patrolled the left side like a pit bull. Charges are pending after the Stokes Valley match, but there’s no doubt his flying two footed kick at their keeper’s head as he put his boots on in the sheds was a factor in the Bombers’ stroll to victory that day.
Tackles: 28 per game
Pass accuracy: N/A
Take-ons: N/A
7/10
Son of God
Saviour by name, but not by nature. Frequently bypassed by faster, fitter Bombers and the long balls from the back. Useful from the spot, converting 10 from 10, all panenkas, all lightly kissing the underside of the bar. His constant on-field direction and involvement in what everyone is doing continues to be cherished.
Tackles: 2.4 per game
Pass accuracy: 91%
Take-ons: N/A
7/10
Stent Boy
Is this the end of the line ? He’s as old as he looks, and he looks really old. A medical marvel. But the winning smile and ability to make those slithering sideways runs, cigarello clamped between his teeth, continue to earn him a starting slot. Should take the back passes to JB out of his game, as that level of cruelty is out of character. Tackled hard and pressed forward with perplexing innocence.
Tackles: 51.8 per game
Pass accuracy: 56%
Take-ons: 45.6 per game
7.5/10
Genome
Started to unravel when Marky Mark disregarded pass after pass at Miramar in round 8. Otherwise the starvation diet seemed to pay dividends and the lightness of foot at the base of the trapezoid was appreciated. How long can a humble, self-assured man survive in a team of alpha-narcissists ? Did well to dispossess Sceatsy in most games, allowing forward momentum.
Tackles: 8 per game (on Sceatsy)
Pass accuracy: 1.11%
Take-ons: N/A
8/10
Tiberius
Gay rumours persist. Fruitless bursts of speed saw him labeled ‘the new Doc’. Threw himself into challenges and into the hearts of six Bombers’ wives. Hit the post 17 times, allowing tap-ins for perpetually offside Marky Mark. Who but Tiberius could score a goal with his perineum ? Generally majestic, in a sort of grubby unmajestic way.
Tackles: 2.28 per game
Pass accuracy: 31%
Take-ons: 101.7 per game
8.7/10
Jackal
Turns out age does weary them, those young scallywags who treat the Masters grades with disdain, running endlessly and scoring for fun. This season Jackal was lucky to be picked at all. Life on the wrong side of 40 has broken this man. Zero goals. Zero assists. 178 offsides. His midlife crisis played out as a midfield disaster. Thankfully a new hero came to the fore.
Tackles: 1.2 per game
Pass accuracy: 1%
Take-ons: N/A
3/10
Sceatsy
The Silver Surfer spent most of the season chasing slow men as they disappeared into the distance. Is it possible he lost a yard of speed this season ? That yard was all he had. Effort is applauded, and when he went forward things had a happy knack of working out well. Almost metronomic in his coverage of the centre circle. Struck up a considerate relationship with the odd creature called Ragg Boy, and exhibits a manly affection for Zel Boy. A team player with good teeth. Can’t, or won’t, jump.
Tackles: 1.2 per game
Pass accuracy: 19%
Take-ons: N/A
6/10
Zel Boy
A slow burner, who became a scorcher. This was his breakthrough season. Everything he did turned to chrome. Sad that he played just once, citing ‘differences’ with team culture and the trapezoid formation that had him largely bumping into Fish Boy. Looked good at the post defending corners.
Tackles: 21.2 per game
Pass accuracy: 91%
Take-ons: 11
8/10
Ragg Boy
A clusterfuck of a Bomber, slowly starting to unscramble his complex persona and express his talents with the ball at his foot. Very slowly. Happy to clear out the rucks and measure his short passes to ensure Son of God was involved in numerous shin-snapping 50/50s. His boyish insouciance and killer instincts contributed a sort of joyful mayhem to the otherwise slick midfield. Like all Bombers in 2017, needs to work on his first touch.
Tackles: 112 per game
Pass accuracy: 1%
Take-ons: N/A
6/10
Al
Who is this guy, where did he come from and what is he doing ? A father figure to the left side of midfield, he is solid and plays the simple ball well. Definitely an upgrade on the previous Al “chicken legs” Mihell, but needs to add goals to his game. Also guilty of showboating and pleasantry.
Tackles: 2 per game
Pass accuracy: 100%
Take-ons: N/A
6.4/10
Controller
A product of Old Father Time's drunken fling with the Bitch Goddess of Football. The doughty defender was pushed forward to spoon feed Marky Mark with precision balls. Tricks and flicks abounded. Provided the rabona for the moment of the season. Frequent falling over suggests inner ear issues. Stood his round at the pub. Shone under the nuanced mentoring of Son of God.
Tackles: 1.9 per game
Pass accuracy: 61%
Take-ons: N/A
6.8/10
Zeus
“You’re only as good as your knees” they say, and his knees are shot, prompting coarse but insightful conclusions from Ragg Boy. When fit the man has the swagger of a winner, dominating the right side and keeping Mingus in his place. When not fit, the centre cannot hold. Was happy carrying the Nurofen this season. Needs to show more enthusiasm putting the nets up.
Tackles: 2 per game
Pass accuracy: 11%
Take-ons: N/A
6/10
Hilda
Finally a dominant performance this season from the one they call Ross The Boss. Tough on the ball, strong in the air, red in the cheeks, grand in the girth. The lung capacity seemed down, but the vocal range was still superb. Perhaps he came to the Bombers too young and needed a decade or so to find his feet in an ultra-competitive midfield playing intuitive no-look football. Still guilty of passing to Son of God instead of lumping it forward for Tiberius to fail to catch up with, which is always the preferred and most humorous option. With time comes judgement. We can’t wait to see this lad when he is a grown up.
Tackles: 12.3 per game
Pass accuracy: 71%
Take-ons: N/A
7.5/10
Marky Mark
The Bombers’ own Benjamin Button. The master of negative space was everywhere, and yet also nowhere. But all a Bomber need do was hack a wild lob towards the wheezing sound in the penalty area and he would stab or smash or slice or stick or skewer it in like Patrick Bateman at a pool party. The 2017 tactics were simple – get the ball, give it to the shrunken gasper, return for the kick off.
Tackles: N/A
Pass accuracy: N/A
Take-ons: N/A
10/10
Calamari
A hat trick against Naenae in his one appearance would normally be well regarded, had not Marky Mark cut a swathe through the defence with 11 goals that day. The annual visit from the Rubbery One was enjoyed by all, particularly Mingus who always feels taller and thinner on this special day.
Tackles: N/A
Pass accuracy: 1%
Take-ons: N/A
8.3/10