Great news, we have found our new team we want to play each week.
Quick question what could be worse than getting smashed 9-1 by a bunch of old men?
Marky Mark and I decided that having sex with a Siamese twin who share a single orifice and having the second one with a lisp giving you technique advice the whole time would be worse. Just like when you shag in front of your mother in law and she just doesn’t shut up. But at the same time it is an intriguing proposition, a Siamese twin. I have searched pornhub and cannot see that Tiberius has posted this yet. It was not even on the bravo channel where he briefly featured last season. Now there is a thought for a reality show – the Siamese twin Batchelor wife – now that will get some ratings. But I digress – SMUT is easily distracted.
To start the ball rolling our captain accused us all of racism before we even started – apparently, he felt Nacho’s are Mexican not Argentinian. But then all us white folks look the same to him and he does get confused.
So, some bombers turned up that we all thought were dead. And all who turned up were closer to death than the day before.
Doc who is now in his 22nd year of his phantom pregnancy was up to bat for his first outing of the season. He was in fine form. He made our scrum average weight go up by 50% which was most pleasing.
Sceatsy arrived and stood on the side line singing sea shanty’s and making ooo ahhh noises. He was said something about how he came second – in what we don’t know and we certainly don’t believe he has ever come second. That is unless he also came first – in which case sex by yourself although somewhat gratifying is not actually sex. When he finally did make it to the field he then promptly fell over starboard and was soon replaced. I feel he came too late and finished too early – I hope he did not pay for the full 90 mins as there will not be a refund for his lack of time on the playing pitch.
Roger the Halfling was 15 mins late and demanded his position at back right straight away. Most rude. It was with great satisfaction I noted Doc replaced him as soon as he arrived.
Life is all about tunnels and trains – the gay guys know this and there is just never enough tunnels to go around. Today the Bombers were not the tunnel. If that is to be believed. We were Thomas the tank engine thrusting our city stuff into those mountain folks tunnels.
At half time we were 4 Nil up – what a bloody miracle. Gene may have even got a couple of them – we know when we see this behaviour his season will shortly end, and it nearly did later in the match but that is another story.
Speaking of probing questions. If you are of one identical twin boys and you have sex with your brother does that make you gay?
Opps, football – that’s right. First half over and we are well up without any blue chemical tablets – a rarity for bombers. 4 great goals a grand start.
But, bombers of old know the second half is where we all go to sleep or die. Strong guidance was offered from Captain and others but as usual no one was listening. Rosco was talking about running around in different lines or circles or some shit – I think he may be an artist – no one knew what he was talking about. Then as a diversion someone loudly demanded Deep Heat, sage advice was offered to not put it on your back as you will have a burning ring of fire by ¾ time. Advice was ignored and it was liberally applied to the back of several aging bombers, one squirted a litre directly in his rear end whilst all others stood around as silently watching, watching, watching. Carl who is always odd applied some to his lip in true Hitler fashion, apparently, he had spent too long next to one of our sailing colleagues who he said smelt of seamen and he just needed to clear his nose. Marky burped and the same strange odour was released, must have been something he was chewing on during the road trip into the game.
Ops opposition back on the field – they were keen to make amends – Zel was accepting money from them and sai he could smuggle in 1-2 goals for them it was a dead cert.
So back for the second half. More goals – WTF, never seen this before – must be something in that Deep Heat – a firey anus is clearly not a bad thing. Gene did suggest it was more impactful if there was a wee cut. Dangerous devils those bombers. Just watch out for number 19 – he is a wanker they said. And they were right.
Goal after goal, shot after shot – many were even on target hence the score kept increasing.
There were also a few misses (none of the female kind – unless that hairy thing running around on all fours was Sceatsy sea wench – in which case I am sorry she looked like a pure breed and we are all very jealous). Smut bravely tried to score a try/goal as the others had but nearly dislocated his hip swinging and completely missing twice at one stage. I think the back row laughed so hard they sharted. He should have opted for the Deep Heat.
Althroughout the game the ref pretended not to hear any calls/pleads/prayers from the opposition for penalty tries. He even seemed to miss the occasional enthusiastic tackle from the back bombers that sent many a wounded mountain man to the side line. So, great refereeing I say, we should invite him along next week.
The team looked so much better and younger with JB on the other side of the world.
Like an orgy the goals did not stop coming until the end. And then of course if there is no more coming then it is the end.
Scorers from what I remember
· Gene x2
· Carl x 2
· Kirk x3
· Ignacio (Nacho)
Zel did not get their 1 goal this week – despite his promises his aim was off.
9-1 up ya bum, SMUT out.
Or it may be 8-1 I shagged ya mum – who knows it was a big score and keep Bombers off and out of the bottom for another week.