Story by cub reporter Dr "Doc" Tim "Tim"
On Kelburn when the sun was low
All bloodless lay the untrodden grass
And dark as winter was the flow
Of Wainui panelbeaters whose prime had past .
There was a smile on the breath of Bombers old and new…the long imagined prospect of playing the hutt valley’s underbelly in a rare primetime slot on our home ground.
The opposition’s goal difference of -471 and their winless season prompted the wisest on the field to proclaim “ I’ll come out of goal when we are 5 nil up.”
And so it seemed …within a minute Carl had scythed through the bellybutton of the park and was playing skilled,pacey football with Deoxyribose Nucleic Acid . The charming interchange of passing left Wainui defenders bereft and culminated in a lancinating shot billowing the net …. God it was good : 1-0.
Even the Bomber’s fashion sense was cheerful. Nintendo had put on his canary yellow hi-vis blouson whilst dressing in the dark that morning and suddenly realized he was refereeing the game 15 minutes in.
Prince Harry was visiting ( pledging to eradicate the stigma of social disease amongst the Bombers) and was shod in a pair of pure white boots setting off his fine red hair.
Marky Mark plied one of his many black pantaloon outfits and a matching hair-tie.
But be not deceived . God is not mocked….
Prince Harry fell over a kneeling Wainui penitent who had been beseeching divine intervention…and so began a litany of disaster.
First Steadfast Lance made his long awaited return to competitive football , lasting 47 seconds before his pain threshold was overcome.
Then Wainui’s toothless attack managed to strike a ball inside the penalty box that suckled on Mingus’ “white hand of little employment” dangling limply by his side.
The Stickman had no chance : 1-1
The Worm had re-turned with happy stripey socks and found his sharp head picked out perfectly by DNA but the goal was scorned and died, wriggling amongst the clods.
Wainui , emboldened by both God and ring-ins, began to create chances. The Asst Gardener saw one coming from 30 metres, carefully lowered himself almost parallel towards the earth before letting gravity take over for the final 6 inch fall to the grass. Goal and bone density saved.
As half time jitterbugged near, Prince Harry made multiple deft touches ,beating 2 players then passing to a Bomber who was looking at our home clubrooms and wondering why we never got to have a drink there.
More class appeared asthe Bombers realized they had left the path of righteousness long ago and might as well continue to spit up God’s nostrils.
JB almost cruyffed it after a sweet Sceatsy pass and Stent boy lofted a lovely ball over the keeper from 18 metres.
Half Time 2-1
The rousing half time speech from the captain along with the perennial advice from SoG did the usual.
Within minutes Wainui’s God wiped his nose with a curling corner kick into the top of the net with nary a caress from the fingertips of the Raggster now in goal. 2-2
The gardening referree took special time out to coach Ragboy in the 2 fisted technique appropriateto such a situation rather than the vertical crab pincer movement.
The remainder of the 2nd half stretched out like an MSD brainstorming session on social housing.
The Prison Architect was overheard pleading: “ Take this cup awaaay from meee, I don’t want to taste it’s poison.”
Iggy could make no sense of what his teammates were doing so just hoofed a perfect cross and hoped .
The ball landed squarely on the Worm’s towering bonceand once again was turned and spurned by God south of the goalmouth.
( Like any great striker the Worm was later heard to say , “I thought I hit mine pretty well” )
JB on the sideline knew his ruptured buttock could not hold up for long.
‘”I’ll come on in 5 minutes.” “ Keep going ..Just 5 minutes more“
“ Wait5 minutes” “ If I come on and score I am retiring from the Bombers again”
Neither scenario came to pass…but JB did make the keen observation that Wainui were very “shouty”. That , JB, is what having God on your side does.
Chances came at both ends of the curved earth that is Kelburn Park .
Rule XII attacked Mingus again but he was well outside the box.
Wainui had 23 corners .
Carlos shook the upright’s very xylem with a header.
Desperate Mike ran aggressively out from the back and almost constructed something pretty with the prison architect.
“We do have some great ideas” said Stent from the sideline.