Clinical history compiled by Stent Boy
The Bombers have been playing away games now for 135 years, so know a thing or two about the otherworldliness of foreign parts. A certain type of fortitude is needed to endure the strange atmosphere, the odd phenomena, and the unusual peoples that inhabit those out of the way places. Think Space Family Robinson featuring Marky Mark as the scheming Dr Smith, Roger taking the part of the ingénue Will Robinson and the Robot played by Gyles, somehow managing to outwit the aliens on planet Gob.
Such was the challenge faced as the Bombers turned up at a soggy desolate Naenae Park. Having a decent understanding of your opponent helps. The rapid search on Google revealed NaeNae to be most widely understood as a dance move that when practised by aging males makes them look ridiculous, which surely has some relevance to Masters 4. The Maori translation is mosquito, an annoying bug dwelling in marshy situations, again some sort of fit.
However Naenae was conceived as a utopian suburban Modernist development promising carefree living in a delightful environment. That’s not quite how things appear to have turned out, especially at Naenae Park in July. This promised to be one of “those” away games, reflected in the Bombers faces as they trudged through puddles towards a brutal breezeblock affair to change, and then on to the wetland pitch, scattering groups of mallard ducks.
Officialdom and Naenae haven’t been easy companions in the past, especially when provided by the Bombers, so an additional worry was the sight of our old foe, the especially burly pommie fellow, taking the whistle. The wind and rain took up a position blowing directly at us.
“Hurricane” Skeats and “JB” JB had both announced their unavailability, apparently synchronising their diaries for once, and Zel, who only exists on-line these days wasn’t coming either. Doc was crocked and beyond healing himself. Iggy Pop had managed to break his toe under Son of God’s tutelage, and other part-timers were spending their time at other parts.
However, though faced with such mammoth difficulties, the Bombers started brightly and were two goals to the good after 10 minutes. Genome buried a loose ball from Handyman’s corner, then Graham tidily slotted a cross ball in the corner using his hefty kneebrace. Obviously the proper thing to do at this point was to change the winning formula and make a few subs. Naenae possibly then scored 4 goals before halftime, some rather delightful and others farcical.
If the first half was eventful, what followed made the ducks sit up and take notice. Bombers struck with Genome putting away a goalmouth scramble, after the too seldom-seen Fish rocked the crossbar, then struck again with the big fella chipping the keeper to complete a handy hat-trick.
Things weren’t getting any easier in the bog but the Bombers managed to fashion another chance which appeared to be lost, until one of their defenders, attempting to clear his lines, wellied the ball into the considerable bulk of a team-mate and the ball rocketed into the goal. 5 – 4!
Five minutes to go and the Naenae cause seemed lost, until a hopeful cross squirmed it’s way through Gyles’s splayed limbs and it was touched in. Shite! We know what happens next – we go and concede another, but no, some bloke missed a sitter, and the Bombers scored. Cool heads and smart interplay between Genome and Carl provided Tiberius with the opportunity to poke it home. Blimey!
Then to celebrate with Export Gold in quart bottles and revel in the alien habitat. Actually the Naenae blokes turned out to be decent sorts after all.